Another livejournally post for yall.

Yesterday I had another run in with my boss. She planned a project, which I forgot about. I got to work at the normal time and no one was there. I overheard a tip about where I was supposed to be and rushed over. I was a little confused about why no one bothered to call or text me about my whereabouts, but I figured I wasn’t so needed.

Lo and behold, I get to the site, and they are building these rain garden containers with faulty directions that most people there don’t know how to build. I went to a workshop and built one myself a few months ago, so I knew how to do it. My presence ended up being super helpful.

Meanwhile, I found out a coworker of mine had offered to call me, but my boss told her not to by virtue of some sort of proving of points.

After the project, with a few misunderstandings between some folks, it came down on me that I had the punitative obligation to go fill in for a coworker at a school with a bunch of kids that take weeks to get through to. I did it, it wasn’t so bad, it was actually pretty fun. 

But I fucking hate office politics, heirarchical bullshit, downright bitchiness and passive agressiveness, and all the bullshit that comes with a boss who won’t let herself be herself and thus everyone around her, or at least myself, is made to feel uncomfortable because she doesn’t seem to want to be supportive or friendly with anyone unless it’s to get ahead. ugh ugh ugh.

Anyway, I’m thinking a lot about a quote a read today. It went something like, “The greatest privilege and journey one can have is to be yourself.” I’m thinking about how offices in general try to stifle the idea of self, through “appropriate” dress, “appropriate” and “professional” speech (aka not saying what you mean), heirarchical let-me-bow-to-thee-boss bullshit that I am so tired of, all of it. I’m so excited to NOT be doing that for an indefinite amount of time. I don’t know if I’m ready to go to law school though, in light of this. Will I need to wear a suit every day in the beginning? cause fuck that. Maybe eventually. But only suits I like. For cases I like. Or maybe I should just grow sweet potatoes garlic and nettles instead. I’d like to work on my black thumb and coordination before i do more “community service” and “saving the world”. If not before, at least during. I’m tired of not having time for anything but work, although sometimes I do it to myself.

Actually, i never do it to myself. The only time I’m working constantly is when there is a Saturday project that I am “required” to “volunteer” at. That shit upsets me on principal. But honestly, I dig everyone there except for my boss. She makes being in her presences feel like WORK. I mean, the kind of work that being in court or having to wear a pretty dress and tight shiny shoes to church kind of work. The prissy kind that just gives you a headache after an hour and makes you question the value of life based on hard to pin down frustrations. For some reason, she instills in me a similar kind of frustration and fear that my mother does. One that is, under all circumstances, constantly judging and making decisions that will directly affect you due to the judgements. One that doesn’t allow me at all to feel like or be myself.

Yesterday I went out with some friends of friends for halloween. It was fun. Today I saw some other people I liked. Being myself around most of them was still questionable, but I didn’t feel like I was keeping a tight lid on everything. That’s how working feels: like stuffing myself into a tiny canister that’s barely neat enough to pass for professional and going to work each day, coming back with a major ache in my innards like the way my foot feels shoved inside a fancy pretty shoe with a few scuffs on it.

Anyway, I wanted this post to be about how my job ends in two weeks, I’m very excited about this. It’s also why I’m up at 3:30 am